Recovering....

...Well there are so many things i would want, there are so many things i would wish for, but what about giving myself a chance to be happy, i mean there is nothing wrong in turning left instead of right, as long as he *God* says it's ok to go that way....wow the past few weeks of my life has been very challenging, challenging indeed!..Got so much on my mind, it was beginning to swallow me..but i am thankful because i am recovering, speedy recovery...everything begins to make sense, there is hope, there is a dream that can be achieved, there is peace of mind and i am thankful!

i miss papi so much still, i wonder if he really does, although these past few weeks apart has brought us even more closer, am sure we appreciate ourselves much more, cause of the missing each other thing we are going through.... am trying to study hard again in preparation for these exams i failed, and i am positive i am going to pass them this time, they are professional exams but that aint no excuse for flunking them.....yes i will, He has said i will..

So what about the friends i have lost...well, i don't speak with my bestfriend anymore because its complicated, "would try and put a post up about the tention btw us later" wish i could talk about it, but i have moved on really, well not really, still think about her once in a while and what she might be doing, but ehm we have played our roles in each other's lives and it's time to move away from comfort zone and try others...
ok so what about those other friends i blocked from my page on facebook...lol...when i think about this it makes me laugh my tommy hurts badly...

....sO i woke up one morning, fraustrated, angry at the world, felt like i wanted more from my friends, why were they not calling me?,they were not giving me as much as i wanted from them...was i selfish?, jealous of thier togetherness and the rejection i was feeling?or maybe i was paranoid...don't know the answer to that!........as far as i was concerned they couldn't be asked., hmm am tired of coming on facebook every time and seeing them doing the love thing on each others walls..."am coming to ure place today", "love u"..."miss u".....oh please...they were isolating me and i blocked them, it felt so good to have them out of my way at least..."well uld say its only facebook, but can u help how u feel?, just because you feel this way about something doesn't mean others feel the same way....
So that was done and it felt like a way forward...

.....And then this day am thinking, let me see what these girls are even up to anyway, knowing fully well the kind of friends i have, i mean you could find out what they were doing right this very minute, just by taking a look at thier walls.....lol...so i try to unblock them and guess what happens?, they vanish from my friends list...OMG, that's not what i wanted, i wanted to block them for a while, not to remove them from my list....it felt scary, i was sweating, should i send them friend request again?, what do i do now?....so i thought they were not even bothered in the first place, cos if they were they would have called, so they would probably not find out, or maybe i didn't even care if they did, i had read somewhere that said if u are bold enought to stake a step, you should be ready to face the consequences", so i was waiting for the worst that could happen only i wasn't sure when...which was worse!...lol

...Just last weekend, the whole thing blew out of proportion, apparently i heard i was the talk of the clan...this girl must be heartless, how could she do that?*they didn't say those things, but am speculating*....my friend "not one of the friend's i blocked but another friend" had asked me why i had done it and i explained what happened, eventhogh she said i was irrational and i should have at least spoken to them about it *the five of them?....nah mehn*....i don't know sha but they all know now that that's what i did...so i was sorry cos i panicked, sent an apology email to two of my friends, and sent a friend request as well...ehm as u can guess, i was ignored...lol and then one of them called me up, i explained things to her, how i felt, and what i thought was best for me...well i guess she understood me...cos she's sent me a friend request.......so what about the rest...hmm the rest?

I know they are still boiling, and i don't blame them for it....because everyone seems to be giving me the silent treatment apart from the one that called me....so am not sorry anymore, what i did was wrong, no doubt...but please i can't kill myself, i mean ive left the whole thing to God to sort out,am not going to start calling everyone up and saying yadayada.......the ball is in thier court....

I am only very surprised at one of them in particular.....so after all my explanations and even venturing to send her a friend request...she obviously doesn't see the need to be forgiving, afterall what she is doing is justified...she finds it ok to leave my request pending, its such fun i guess....hmm....and these are my Friends!!!

.....I put my hands up and say ive made a mistake. but am not going to make myself a desperate lonely human just because i want people around me...yes he did say so that he was changing my circle of friends, painful it was but am sure it's for a good cause....

So am letting go and letting God, not because am helpless, well i am to an extent, but ild only make things worse by trying to explain, calling everyone up, afterall they hurt me so much....but yeah i blocked them so i must be evil...lol...to me its so funny now...but it wasn't last week..i was ashamed, shy, battering myself for what i had done...but u know what, peace to them and the middle east, there is so much life has to offer than chasing after people that won't give u a chance!

So am happy, i have learnt a few things recently...am recovering, am taking life easy, sweet, like a journey worth travelling...am taking it slow, am being positive, am giving other friends a chance to know me, and i am making a headway...He has said all will be well and am holding unto that!

Can i just add...Happy birthday Dad...you are the best!