Monday 31 March 2008

Dear Kofo-part 5

So i finally moved to the city, it was weird, so weird, i moved in with papi because he was my rock at that time, i was still hurting, everything was strange, i was confused, so this was it, you were no longer with me, we had really parted ways, we didn’t say a word to each other for weeks and weeks, no calls, no texts, no contacts, ild speak for myself i was missing you badly, i was itching to call you but i had to control myself because i was scared uld hurt me some more...so i did text u after a while, u replied, after a while i just decided to leave u alone because you were acting strange...so it was my birthday, i was planning this little get together thing, i invited everyone, but i didn’t invite you and your sister because i mean we had not spoken for like how many months, maybe i should have but yeah i didn’t want to hear sorry i can’t make it...so obviously you had speculated because the people i invited lived with you.


My friend calls me the day before my birthday insisting i called you because you had been at her place almost the whole day, she said you came to drop my gift and card, first of all i was upset you came to the city and didn’t stop by *ok yes after what i had done, fair enough*, secondly how could you have dropped my gift and card in a friend’s house, what does that say? To me it said a lot, i told my friend that you felt obliged to do so because i did same on your birthday even when we were not speaking, so you had to do it too or ok “am sure u have your reasons”.....so my birthday came, you called me and i was happy to speak with you, i also stressed that i was sorry i didn’t invite you because of the whole tension, and asked if you still could make it, but yeah i was expecting you to say no even, although your excuse was you had to work...fair enough!


After then, we just somehow one way or the other started calling each other again, at least to find out little things and besides you had graduated, so you wanted to come and do the same thing i was doing too, i was excited, cause your school was so close to mine, we saw each other on the same days we had lectures and we had fun, it felt almost like old times, you even said to me one day that you didn’t mind coming to stay at mine to be attending lectures, i wasn’t too pleased with that because i didn’t want us to take that route again...i even did not tell you papi was living with me so you couldn’t come, but i didn’t need to...i guess we never just spoke about it anymore, so that went aside, but we were soon becoming close again, i mean we felt the need to tell each other each time we were in school and made it a ritual to hang out...your sister soon started speaking with me too and it was all rosy..We were not as close but we were friends..
So we hadn’t seen each other for a while now because we didn’t have lectures, but when we saw each other, you particularly was excited and you screamed in a very witty way, u said you had missed me, a bit awkward but i was happy you said that, it made me feel so happy, because it was genuine, and yes i had missed you too in fact more than you could imagine.

I went home for Christmas, you were supposed to go, don’t know what happened, i had been to yours the day before i went, we all had fun with the other girls, i felt like a stranger in your midst but it was ok...and you promised to call in the morning on my way to the airport, but you didn’t..fair enough!..so i was home, i called you this day, maybe you were tired or whatever, but you didn’t sound too pleased, i was confused, but you said you would save my number and call me, but you didn’t. So i went on face book and got a message from you that said you wanted me to send my number again, that you had swapped Sims and in the process misplaced my number, not sure if that was the truth, but i was upset and i din’t reply, i was stupid, maybe i thought we were still best friends and expected more, i forgot in your sisters words “friendship had changed”.
I didn’t call you anymore, i was home for almost three months, yes i was wrong, i admit, i got back and i still didn’t call you, i had called a couple others, but i didn’t feel the need to call you because in my head, you had moved on totally..trust me throughout my holiday, i had stalked your face book page just to find out about your doings, i still cared, i was only deceiving myself that I had moved on....so i finally thought about it, and called you, but i missed you and i left a message, you called me too and missed me and left a message..
So i was meant to do something in your town this day, and i decide to text you to find out if you would be home, you had text me back to say you were not sure if uld be home because you had to do some registration, so i text you back saying that was fine, that as soon as i got in, ild let you know, so if you were in ild come check you up....so i got into your town i called your phone, but you didn’t pick up, i called the other girls, at least one answered me, and she said she was in your house, because that’s where she stays, so i said to her i was coming to see her, on getting there, i was just saying to her, that i had called you and you said you had to do registration, when she cut me off and exclaimed No o, that you were in, and to my amazement you were really in, lying on the couch, she probably saw my face and added that you were still going, and that you didn’t sleep throughout the night, so you were getting some sleep. I said hello to you in an excited tone, and you barely answered, not sure if you even said a word to me, for the 20 minutes i was in your house, you said nothing, you laid down on the couch pretending to be sleeping, well of course you were pretending, because you were aware your phone was ringing, but you just didn’t see any need to speak with me.


While i sat down there pulling up conversations that were unnecessary with my friend, i could feel heat in my spine, i was cold, i couldn’t believe you gave me such reception, what did i do to you?, did i kill anybody? Did i take him away from you?, kofo i am human, no matter what ever happened i still deserve to be treated like a human, you treated me like that in front of her, no you didn’t!, where is that subtleness i found in you before you became my friend and don’t even say i brought it out of you because u haven’t got a clue, i pray you never go through such rejection, trust me it is painful and very humiliating..so i left your house that day, so much going through my mind, you had made a point and proved whatever you wanted to prove to me, and yes i understood perfectly well, there is no room for me anymore, it’s time for me to pack up...and i began to accept, it started making so much sense.
So i was distressed, hurt for days, i told everyone around me about what you had done to me and they advised me never to speak with you again, they said i should delete your number from my phone, but i laughed because even if i deleted your number from my phone, it was still in my head, i knew your number like i knew my name...and moreover it was childish, i didn’t want to call you or say anything to you on your birthday, but i soon thought at least i sent you a text to say happy birthday and pray for you in it, which i did, you replied anyway, but yeah i promised never to call you again, i promised never to text or associate myself with you to prevent any further damage to my self esteem.


You made be even transfer this feeling of hurt towards the girls, i felt a gang up, they were not calling me, you guys were doing your own thing, i came on face book each time and all i saw was the girls and your sis and you doing the love thing, caring for each other, and i was sad, so i blocked you all from my page, i didn’t want all these in my face, look i was in pain, i was lonely, you all together were making me sad, you made me so hateful, horrid and selfish, it was the best option and i followed my heart. I didn’t realise it was going to kick them off my friend’s list, but oh well it did, and yeah everyone of you guys found out, i apologised to some, one of the girls spoke with me and she was understanding.
The other one has blocked me, one has refused to accept my friend request, but yeah i guess what i thought it was wasn’t really what it was, i was living in a fool’s paradise. it was just you and me in the first place, the rest just came along the line, so am not really bothered about what they think or what they care, peace to them and the middle east!...

Sunday 30 March 2008

Dear Kofo- Part 4

So this one time, my mum came over for a week or so, you and your sister were around, you were acting weird, it was so funny cause i felt like you didn’t make the efforts to loosen up towards her, maybe you were still going through stuff but i was reading meanings into everything you did...she was leaving that morning, you didn’t make efforts, your sister did run to say goodbye to her before she left but u acted like you didn’t care, i was worried, but we left for the airport. So i got back but you had gone to work, i called your sister and told her how i was feeling hoping she would speak to you or just cause i wanted to speak to someone to get answers to why you were acting the way you did, maybe i was pushing it, maybe i was forcing you to be my friend, maybe i should have let you be....Your sister said some nice things and said things that made me feel like i was the one making a fuss about everything, so i thought i had the problem...until she said “friendship changes”......what????


Ok so friendship changes...well good...i was hurting, it was eating me up, i was confused, i needed to speak with someone, i wanted you to just at least show you cared sometime, but i wasn’t getting any of that, you were moving on faster than i was, i was too slow. So this one time papi didn’t have accommodation at some point and papi was staying with him’s friend in him’s house for a while, because him travelled away for a long time, although him didn’t know that papi was staying with his friend at his house and the friend travelled and left the key with papi....so i had gone to visit papi there and i told you that i went to see papi at him’s house carelessly...only for papi to tell me that him had called asking for his keys...the first thing that came to my mind was you and i sent you a text, i said i wanted to ask if you were the one that told him that papi was staying in his house, i also mentioned that i wanted to clarify because i didn’t want any hiccups btw us anymore, u sent me a text saying no, and i apologised to you, i even came home that night and spoke with you again apologising and asking if you understood why i was asking “maybe i shouldn’t have asked, maybe i should have let go and trusted you”, but the truth was i wasn’t trusting you anymore!...


So it passed, we started the malice thing again, we were not talking, just saying stuffs like hey, hi, hello, which was very awkward..We smiled to others, we treated others with so much love, but we couldn’t to ourselves..it was getting worse, we were lost and doing little annoying things to each other that was piling up, there was no remedy anymore, am sure in our minds we knew it was dead ends....so on this day you sent me a text and said that him had said you should come and collect the keys from papi, but u dint want to do that and wanted to do the normal thing, that’s why you are telling me to go get the keys from him, because you knew it was wrong for you to go ureself....very thoughtful of you, but kofo did you hear yourself?..i wouldn’t have done that to you in a million years, what happened to us being friends and you able to tell him that he was away and it would be a wicked thing to throw someone out of a place he wasn’t staying, an empty house...at least for my sake.

It was officially on, the trust was gone, the friendship was gone, ild hate to use the word hate here, but there was no respect or even an atom of care, they were flushed down, all that surfaced was, pride, ego and anger, everyone was making it worse, gossip, poke nosing here and there just complicated things. So it was your birthday, we were not talking, your mum was around, i sent you a text at 12, gave you cards, and i had left your gift somewhere but i was gonna give it to you, i felt left alone because i was shy to join you guys, it wasn’t like before, your mum spoke to us because she noticed everything that was going on, but i guess it was too late, but yeah we still tried to speak with each other, but things had changed, it was just not happening..



I couldn’t wait any longer to move, maybe things would be much better, maybe we needed space, time to heal all wounds, maybe we needed to be apart for a while, i couldn’t wait.Your mum left, we were soon back at it, your sister was distancing herself too, she wasn’t even making efforts to make us speak, i can’t blame her though...you guys were isolating me and it was painful, think about it kofo, you had someone, i had nobody, it was painful, all those friends you always heard me talking too for so long on the phone, were just ways to get my mind off things, i was hurting...i asked my friend one day to call you up and ask you what the problem was, you told her nothing as usual, you always said nothing anytime they asked you, you said it just happened that i shut you out, and before i met you, you were quiet, i was the lively one and i made you speak out and now that i had gone quiet you had gone back into your shell, to prevent further hurt, you also said that it seemed to you i was happy because i spoke to other people and reacted differently to them than the way i did you...kofo u did the same thing, only you didn’t know...... so you were hurting as well but you were not showing it...
So one time papi’s cousin came for holiday and she had to stay at mine, i told you about it, you had said it was ok, you were nice to her “thank goodness”....you cooked for her, did every nice thing to her, often times ild be in my room and ild hear you guys chatting away, you were very loving and caring towards her but me, i was just a stranger to you. Sometimes uld leave the house without even telling me but uld tell papi’s cousin, ild even see u in town with the girls and sometimes we wud say hello or not even speak at all...... someone you just met, you had soon found yourself a new housemate, i was a ghost to you...and i did same to you too, although i did try to gather little information about you from papi’s cousin sometimes, because i still cared even though i acted like i didn’t.



So this day i had come home from school and papi’s cousin told me you were crying, that it was him that was making you cry, you heard one of those jists again and you were hurting, i obviously couldn’t do anything because we were not talking and you didn’t tell me anything, so i just hoped you were ok, some part of me hoped this was a way for us to get back talking but it couldn’t just happen, you bore them alone, when on normal circumstances, ild bear them with you, but u told papi’s cousin everything, she soon knew you more than i did, you started looking different in my eye, you looked weird, i didn’t recognise my best friend anymore, even when i said hello to you sometimes, you gave me this look, it was strange..



Almost there..just one more letter!

Thursday 27 March 2008

Dear Kofo- part 3

It was just before christmas, we were not talking again over nothing, we just didn’t find the words, i summoned the courage *notice me again* to come to you and ask if like normal you were ready for church and u looked me in the eye and said to me you were not going to my church, it suddenly became my church, you were going to your birth church *did you just realise that*i left you, the tears rolled down as i went to church alone that day, i couldn’t believe what you just did,i had said so many things that day about you but somehow i still didn’t lose hope, you were still my friend.


It was christmas eve, your sister was around,our friends came over, that weekend. What was the point staying with you for christmas when we were not talking, so i planned to go to my friend’s place for the period, when i got back from church that day, we were all in the kitchen and our friends couldn’t take it anymore, with all the fraustration in them , they asked us what was going on, we hesistated at first but we soon began to throw out our minds and it was very emotional, you said your piece, you mentioned that i was shuting you out, you still said maybe it was because we were doing different things and we didn’t have anything in common, you said i was going for midweek services and i wasn’t pulling you along, i was doing things and i wasn’t letting you in, you went on and on and on,you said you were also going through things and you needed some time alone, i asked you why you were not telling me what was wrong, you said because it was the first time this particular thing was happening and that was the only way you could deal with it, your sister also backed you up on that “fair enuff”... i saw where you were coming from, i said my piece to you too and we ended it all by crying, our friends told us we were misunderstanding each other, and we made up, but i still went away for a little space..I was so happy, i sent you loads of text messages, telling you how much i appreciated you, and how i almost lost you, and you reciprocated and i was so happy, couldn’t wait to get back and catch up on all we missed out on, as far as i was concerned, i got my best friend back.
So i got back from christmas and decided to spend the new year with you...we went to church, we cooked, had so much fun. With our usual trying to get back to things...not for long, we were back to it again, strangers in the same house, we didnt speak, not even to whatever was ours, well i did speak to him when he came over, but you never spoke to papi when he came, i mean you guys always teased, but you became cold towards him and that wasn’t fair...we stopped using each others stuff, we stopped eating each others food, we stopped doing things together, we became strangers, we could sit in the sitting room for good hours without saying a word, we were on and off when we felt like it.


I couldn’t take any of this anymore and i decided i wanted to move to the city, moreover i didn’t have a job, my school was in the city, i had to commute which was rather expensive, and i was losing you so there was no point staying there. I spoke to you about it, and said maybe if i moved to the city, there would be more opportunities to get a job, and we could find someone to take my room if i had to move earlier....you were very unsupportive, for the very first time, you just didn’t want to understand.
These were your words “i don’t see any reason why you want to move really, it’s not like when you move to the city you would find any better job like that like that, because you are going to school and most of all these companies want full time, so i dunno, but its up to you sha, your words were loose, and you left it off by saying ehn if you find someone to rent your room that’s fine, shebi its just to sleep and wake up with the person, we don’t necessarily have to speak so yeah..i paused for a minute, can’t even remember what i said back to you but i know i was sweating as i went back into my room....i was weak!
I started making plans and decided that i really had to move, couldn’t take anymore of all this, you were hurting me and i was sad, after a while i wrote you *me again* a two fullscap sheet of letter, blabbing about us and how hurt i was, you replied, a bit harsh, but it was ok. You came to jump on me on my bed that night, we were like little children, we were almost crying, i mean it was funny because we were living in the same house, playing songs on our laptops, hearing each others voices, but we were not speaking to each other...remember if i was in the kitchen ild be humming, or the bathroom ild be singing and if it were you, uld do the same..it was funny, the house was dead quiet, we never had visitors like we usually did, they were all running away, because of what was going on...but that night it felt good to settle and put things behind us...did i say behind us, maybe i was dreaming......


To be continued!

Dear Kofo- Part 2

....So we moved into this apartment, we were so excited, we went shopping for our house, it was fantastic, i mean i took the bigger room and you accepted the smaller room but you didn’t mind you were happy and tolerant as usual, it wasn’t a big deal after all my room was your room and yours was mine. We lived happily together, with you doing most of the cooking all the time and oh my was your food fantastic, you knew how to make all this special delicacies, “mede mede” ild call it, and our friends always came over to grub, people loved coming around because we were homely, we accommodated everybody, we took our friends in when they didn’t have anywhere to stay, we were always willing even though we had our resentments about some of them but it didn’t matter, our boyfriends came over once in a while, slept over often and we understood that when they came over we had to be alone with them of which we carried on the next day teasing each other or whoever it was that had theirs come over the night before about noises we heard over the night..lol

So it was all gravy,our regular life, living in one peace, had a few state of madness sometimes but we always shoved it by just talking over it the next minute, your sister did come over sometimes either for the weekends or something and i sometimes felt a bit isolated but it was ok because like i said she was family.I had finished from school because i came a bit earlier to uni than you did, so you had a couple of semesters left, i graduated, and had this little party thing where you were forced to make a speech and you said very pleasing things about me on that day, you guys helped a lot in the cleaning and everything, and i was thankful..After graduation i got this job somewhere in town, while i was contemplating whether or not to move to the city, since that was where my college was and it was a lot to commute, but because of the job i decided to stay back with you, you still had to attend lectures everyday at uni, yes i agree we were doing different things but it was still cool, we sent each other text messages if we had not seen each other the whole day or sent mesages when we found something funny around us and a whole lot of stuff to say in the evening...
The madness fully started, i was getting pressure at work concerning my in competencies, i was making a whole lot of mistakes at work because i wasn’t trained on the grounds that i knew what to do, but it was just a small company that couldn’t be bothered about that, i felt humiliated sometimes at work, that i often got home late, so tired and i kept quiet most of the time, you never came to ask me what was wrong, so it became a usual thing for me to be quiet, i mean we spoke but not much at all, each time i got back from work, i either went straight to my room or i just said hey to you and that was it....but you didnt come to ask, i needed you to do so......it went on for days, we started becoming distant, but at least we still went out together sometimes, had fun when we were ok and just still as close regardless of the quiet moments we needed to ourselves....

Remember i heard somethings about him and i came to tell you eventhough kofo u never told me about what u heard about papi and sometimes ild hear stuff and find out you knew about it too but you just never said anything to me, you were holding back on a lot that he told you, but as girls i told you all the jist i heard from papi even the ones he asked me not to say...... so many people were saying stuff about you outside, about how you were taking a lot of rubbish from him and i came to tell you, i mean my relationship was not perfect as well but i felt the need to tell you what i heard, they were not nice things....i didn’t expect you to break up with him, but i expected you to react and make changes, you were too soft when it came to him...and then again i always told you breaking up wasn’t the answer but you had to let him give you that respect if he truly loved you he won’t run away....don’t know what happened but maybe you did tell him i told you stuff or maybe he soon started poisoning your mind against me, not sure about that so i cannot hold that against you after all you were in love...but i could sense you did...and the feeling was building, maybe i was selfish...
So little things became an issue, you all of a sudden did things unconsciously without letting me know as usual or i also didn’t feel the need to let you know when i did some things, we totally started cutting each other out gradually..This minute no words to say, the next minute all happy and gloomy but the next next minute, it was same old story, and it was getting worse. Remember that day when i was in my room upstairs and you were downstairs i sent you a text to ask what was going on and to find out why things were going the way they did and all you said was “These past few days we haven’t had anything in common, that maybe time would tell and blablabla”...it hurt me so much, i was confused, i couldn’t sleep that night because i never knew you could say such to me...so we didn’t speak for days, but i still summoned the courage to come and speak with you about it all and we were cool again...but each time we sat together we didnt have anything to say to each other,we were always quiet.

So i was told to go away from work, my services were no longer needed, i took a bus back home that day and i was crying, i was hurt, you were not home, but you were in school, you began to get closer to the other girls, i was a bit jealous to be honest but u had too, because like you said we weren’t doing the same things anymore...anyways i cried the whole day, i was fraustrated, i felt so low, because i had lost something good, you came home and i told you what happened, you were very supportive, you encouraged me to move on, you even ordered chinese for us that night,lol. And made me feel much better..i soon was back at looking for jobs again, surfing, attending interviews..there was this particular day i had gone for an interview and my experience there wasn’t so pleasing, i felt humiliated again, it was the wrong job, it wasn’t what i wanted to start with and i ended up being told with a couple of orthers we were unsuccesful....i called your phone when i was almost home, i heard people screaming in the background, i was trying to tell you what had gone wrong but you were not listening, and i was upset...i got into the house, went straight to my room and i was crying, the whole thing about job, you was upseting me..You still didn’t come upstairs, i sent you a text saying how i felt and what you did that upset me, after a while you soon came to me with food and your sister too, consoling me and i just got over it all, it passed...

So things were happening fast. remember when our friends had come over one time and they noticed we weren’t speaking, the environment was cold, you were upstairs with your sister in your room, i was downstairs, you were always shutting out, and became more quiet, they were very inquisitive as to what had gone wrong btw us because the atmosphere was different, no one wanted to come visit anymore, because it was not right...you laughed so much with your sister i could hear you from my room, but you just couldn’t laugh with me anymore, we started becoming strangers gradually, you did stuffs for people you didn’t do for me anymore,and it was getting scary...i mean you never came to speak to me about anything, you kept it all..
I sent you couple of messages sometimes, but your replies were harsh, i was breaking down, you were hurting me, i had nowhere to turn to except God, i started reading my bible, going for midweek services because i was hurting, i mean i was fasting too partly because i was seeking God, but did you also notice i was broke, well you were too because our kitchen was dry!! And that was the only option i had, you were confusing me and most times you acted like you didn’t care. every time your sister came from school to chill, i always felt depressed, because i could sense isolation and it was eating me up, you were doing things for people and you were leaving me behind, you were always running off to see the girls, forgetting that i needed you...obviously i didn’t feel the need to tell you anything anymore, except when we were so happy which was seasonal....you began to change in my eyes, you were not the gentle, soft kofo i knew anymore, u were someone else and it was getting scary....


To be continued!!

Wednesday 26 March 2008

Dear Kofo-part 1

...so i met you for the very first time in college , well you were new and i was old, you were quiet,cute, witty, nice and gentle, i said a few hello's to you once in a while and that was all there was to it. i travelled to the uk for university and it so happened you travelled too and to the same university, you had this close friend, and i always looked at you both like some sort of kill joy, you made funny faces when u saw me with other friends,guys or whenever i had dressed to go for parties because u were in the same halls of residence i was, you guys thought we were those "girls", guys came to pick us up and all,it was fun, but u were dissapointed, you couldn't stand our guts..teehee......... when we made noise at the back of the class,you gave me this look...... you were a gig, u know the brainy type, all dressed up in some tacky clothes and those herrendous glasses..oh my were they horrible?..all you cared about were your books...i did too, only i was sociable and a bit eye opened than you were....

It happened this day that i was desperate to move out from the halls to an apartment, and your friend needed to move too, we moved in together, which meant you had to come once in a while and u did, we started getting closer, it was scary, we had a lot in common, we didn't know about, i mean why did we think the same way?, we began to grow even more closer.....
i remember the day i was crying because i had heard about papi's so called girlfriend *they said he was cheating on me, i was just a bloody fresher*...i wept so much and you saw me crying, you said a lot of things that made me feel better, i cried on your shoulder and you were there, u made me feel much better...that moment i knew you were my friend, i mean i didn't expect all that from you,but you kept on calling to make sure i was ok, you were consistent, and you even hugged me and said it was ok.

So days passed, months passed, everyone noticed we were getting closer, we went everywhere together, did things together, bought the same clothes, helped each other in times of need, you were a sister, a mother, a confidant and my bestfriend, i loved you so much and i know you did too, i mean we sacrificed a lot for each other...everyone said i was opening your eye, you loosened up a bit, you were friendlier, you even became more fashionable than i was, and oh my God, you couldn't get away from the mirror anymore...u vain thing!!!...lol...the shocker, you were beginning to fall in love with a guy as well....hmm

We gradually started pushing your friend away, she noticed we were closer, but it just so happened, things happened the way they happened..it was beautiful, we were inseparable, we made jokes about everything, we teased, we winked or pinched each other when the feeling was mutual....you were mischievious, and we caught trips everytime....we spoke to each other about our relationships,how we felt, what we planned to do, infact on my own part i didn't hold anything back, you didn't then but things changed. remember when you were not sure if you were dating him and i had scolded you to text him, so you know were you stood....and you did, and i was happy for you

we had our hiccups sometimes, but it wasn't for long, we never spoke about our quarells, but we always sorted it out by just talking to each other as if nothing had happened *maybe that was a problem too*....so your sister was coming into the country to study too and i was scared, i felt like the friendship would change, i felt like there would be a third party,i mean i told you everything, i mean everything, what about if you told your sister? i felt like you would isolate me and there would be a trio going on, i mean blood is ticker than water....

So i soon got over that and we were a family, although i did feel left out sometimes but i was soon over it after a while, i had to come to terms with the fact that everything i told you, your sister had to be aware as well...sometimes it felt like when we had our little misunderstandings you couldn't be bothered to make efforts any longee cos your sister was there...well you forgot u were my only sister here and i may be selfish but i needed you to understand that..although you did say the same way you treated your sister was the same way you had treated me, but are u sure?, but really that wasn't the issue, because i soon took her as a family.......

so this very day we decide we want to move in together *i wish i could go back and correct things*we decide it was better we lived together, i mean you were tolerant, i was the outspoken and agressive one, but we tolerated each other, i was withdrawn about this at first, but everyone said it was ok, nothing could go wrong..we were wrong, so many things went wrong....

To be continued....

Tuesday 25 March 2008

Recovering....

...Well there are so many things i would want, there are so many things i would wish for, but what about giving myself a chance to be happy, i mean there is nothing wrong in turning left instead of right, as long as he *God* says it's ok to go that way....wow the past few weeks of my life has been very challenging, challenging indeed!..Got so much on my mind, it was beginning to swallow me..but i am thankful because i am recovering, speedy recovery...everything begins to make sense, there is hope, there is a dream that can be achieved, there is peace of mind and i am thankful!

i miss papi so much still, i wonder if he really does, although these past few weeks apart has brought us even more closer, am sure we appreciate ourselves much more, cause of the missing each other thing we are going through.... am trying to study hard again in preparation for these exams i failed, and i am positive i am going to pass them this time, they are professional exams but that aint no excuse for flunking them.....yes i will, He has said i will..

So what about the friends i have lost...well, i don't speak with my bestfriend anymore because its complicated, "would try and put a post up about the tention btw us later" wish i could talk about it, but i have moved on really, well not really, still think about her once in a while and what she might be doing, but ehm we have played our roles in each other's lives and it's time to move away from comfort zone and try others...
ok so what about those other friends i blocked from my page on facebook...lol...when i think about this it makes me laugh my tommy hurts badly...

....sO i woke up one morning, fraustrated, angry at the world, felt like i wanted more from my friends, why were they not calling me?,they were not giving me as much as i wanted from them...was i selfish?, jealous of thier togetherness and the rejection i was feeling?or maybe i was paranoid...don't know the answer to that!........as far as i was concerned they couldn't be asked., hmm am tired of coming on facebook every time and seeing them doing the love thing on each others walls..."am coming to ure place today", "love u"..."miss u".....oh please...they were isolating me and i blocked them, it felt so good to have them out of my way at least..."well uld say its only facebook, but can u help how u feel?, just because you feel this way about something doesn't mean others feel the same way....
So that was done and it felt like a way forward...

.....And then this day am thinking, let me see what these girls are even up to anyway, knowing fully well the kind of friends i have, i mean you could find out what they were doing right this very minute, just by taking a look at thier walls.....lol...so i try to unblock them and guess what happens?, they vanish from my friends list...OMG, that's not what i wanted, i wanted to block them for a while, not to remove them from my list....it felt scary, i was sweating, should i send them friend request again?, what do i do now?....so i thought they were not even bothered in the first place, cos if they were they would have called, so they would probably not find out, or maybe i didn't even care if they did, i had read somewhere that said if u are bold enought to stake a step, you should be ready to face the consequences", so i was waiting for the worst that could happen only i wasn't sure when...which was worse!...lol

...Just last weekend, the whole thing blew out of proportion, apparently i heard i was the talk of the clan...this girl must be heartless, how could she do that?*they didn't say those things, but am speculating*....my friend "not one of the friend's i blocked but another friend" had asked me why i had done it and i explained what happened, eventhogh she said i was irrational and i should have at least spoken to them about it *the five of them?....nah mehn*....i don't know sha but they all know now that that's what i did...so i was sorry cos i panicked, sent an apology email to two of my friends, and sent a friend request as well...ehm as u can guess, i was ignored...lol and then one of them called me up, i explained things to her, how i felt, and what i thought was best for me...well i guess she understood me...cos she's sent me a friend request.......so what about the rest...hmm the rest?

I know they are still boiling, and i don't blame them for it....because everyone seems to be giving me the silent treatment apart from the one that called me....so am not sorry anymore, what i did was wrong, no doubt...but please i can't kill myself, i mean ive left the whole thing to God to sort out,am not going to start calling everyone up and saying yadayada.......the ball is in thier court....

I am only very surprised at one of them in particular.....so after all my explanations and even venturing to send her a friend request...she obviously doesn't see the need to be forgiving, afterall what she is doing is justified...she finds it ok to leave my request pending, its such fun i guess....hmm....and these are my Friends!!!

.....I put my hands up and say ive made a mistake. but am not going to make myself a desperate lonely human just because i want people around me...yes he did say so that he was changing my circle of friends, painful it was but am sure it's for a good cause....

So am letting go and letting God, not because am helpless, well i am to an extent, but ild only make things worse by trying to explain, calling everyone up, afterall they hurt me so much....but yeah i blocked them so i must be evil...lol...to me its so funny now...but it wasn't last week..i was ashamed, shy, battering myself for what i had done...but u know what, peace to them and the middle east, there is so much life has to offer than chasing after people that won't give u a chance!

So am happy, i have learnt a few things recently...am recovering, am taking life easy, sweet, like a journey worth travelling...am taking it slow, am being positive, am giving other friends a chance to know me, and i am making a headway...He has said all will be well and am holding unto that!

Can i just add...Happy birthday Dad...you are the best!





Monday 17 March 2008

Foul Mood

......Even when i decide to make myself happy and forget about what it is that hurts me...am still left with no choice but to end up crying over what i'ld classify stupid...these days everything upsets me, from the thought of school to someone stepping on me on the train e.t.c...i can't belief i cried today over the simple fact that i couldn't get my charger from my friends house, where i had spent my so not pleasing weekend and obviously even though i had tried to get another charger, its been so difficult to get the exact one i want...and ofcourse u can guess what happened...the silly thing went dead!!!...

So at this point, am left with no other option but to go to my friend's place...of which i'ld on normal circumstances hate to go...walking back and forth pissed the leaving daylight out of me, calling her from one payphone to another, missing each other everytime, just made me start crying...am such a baby..a 22 grown ass woman...i guess i've just been so emotional these past few weeks...from missing my boyfriend, to loosing one friend to another, having to redo my exams again to being let down by one person or the other....at this juncture, i hate to confess this but i think i may be depressed.."well ofcourse its not what ild like to say but the truth be told..

..And so what is this urge to smoke?...i am craving a cigarrette...been down that line before, but my boyfriend who il'd often refer to as papi for the purposes of this blog.*bless his heart*...saved me from it...we were having such great fun at first, until he realised i was wanting it more than he did...so that was the problem...so i quit....and now he isn't here with me, he's gone for greener pastures, he has to make something good out of his life and prepare for what il'd like to call our future(Amen)...infact he is 6hrs away.....every sight of it, makes me gag for it...i want a fag badly, i want to be high, i want to have one in my bag, in my room, i want to blaze everywhere and just forget what it is that hurts me so much...am tired of being lonely and i want a friend and i think that friend mite be Mr Cigarrette....*phew, i got that out*...

But why do i feel i shouldn't.....there is this gentle and suttle spirit that says no...and the fact that papi is not here even makes me scared...who woud be there to save me when it gets complicated?...how do i know am taking it too far?, how do i know i should stop?.......why do i even feel like one in the first place?

so i finally get my charger...the messages and calls start rolling in..well u can guess it's mostly from only one person...papi...oh except my mum sends me a text to tell me my brother is down with flu*ild call him tonite*..what is it again?...do i have to keep getting bad news all the time, i want just one thing that would light up my day, even if its someone calling me and telling me they would like to hang out with me in my lonely world!

I'ld be ungrateful to omit the fact that despite all i am still thankful to God.

Jesus take the wheel!

An option

...I am so confused, i have a lot on my mind i wanna talk about, things i can't seem to sort out my self, issues that keep pestering me....this loneliness and wilderness people call a phase, does it have a fullstop?....will i find hapiness someday?...will i have a happy ending?

Call it whatever..joblessness, stupidity.....i really don't think it is...am just a girl who is yet to find out what life has to offer...am at that crucial point of my life where everything is meaningless...i know my situations are not as bad as what some people like me go through...but can i ask a question?....why am i sad?...why is everything so slow?...why does it feel like am here on my own?..why am i in so much turmoil?.....is God really preparing something for me or am i just wasting my time?..... Notice i said, a question...yeah thats how confused this mind is...*sigh*

Could this be an option?...i mean blogging?.......i may as well give it a try...

Hello!