Foul Mood

......Even when i decide to make myself happy and forget about what it is that hurts me...am still left with no choice but to end up crying over what i'ld classify stupid...these days everything upsets me, from the thought of school to someone stepping on me on the train e.t.c...i can't belief i cried today over the simple fact that i couldn't get my charger from my friends house, where i had spent my so not pleasing weekend and obviously even though i had tried to get another charger, its been so difficult to get the exact one i want...and ofcourse u can guess what happened...the silly thing went dead!!!...

So at this point, am left with no other option but to go to my friend's place...of which i'ld on normal circumstances hate to go...walking back and forth pissed the leaving daylight out of me, calling her from one payphone to another, missing each other everytime, just made me start crying...am such a baby..a 22 grown ass woman...i guess i've just been so emotional these past few weeks...from missing my boyfriend, to loosing one friend to another, having to redo my exams again to being let down by one person or the other....at this juncture, i hate to confess this but i think i may be depressed.."well ofcourse its not what ild like to say but the truth be told..

..And so what is this urge to smoke?...i am craving a cigarrette...been down that line before, but my boyfriend who il'd often refer to as papi for the purposes of this blog.*bless his heart*...saved me from it...we were having such great fun at first, until he realised i was wanting it more than he did...so that was the problem...so i quit....and now he isn't here with me, he's gone for greener pastures, he has to make something good out of his life and prepare for what il'd like to call our future(Amen)...infact he is 6hrs away.....every sight of it, makes me gag for it...i want a fag badly, i want to be high, i want to have one in my bag, in my room, i want to blaze everywhere and just forget what it is that hurts me so much...am tired of being lonely and i want a friend and i think that friend mite be Mr Cigarrette....*phew, i got that out*...

But why do i feel i shouldn't.....there is this gentle and suttle spirit that says no...and the fact that papi is not here even makes me scared...who woud be there to save me when it gets complicated?...how do i know am taking it too far?, how do i know i should stop?.......why do i even feel like one in the first place?

so i finally get my charger...the messages and calls start rolling in..well u can guess it's mostly from only one person...papi...oh except my mum sends me a text to tell me my brother is down with flu*ild call him tonite*..what is it again?...do i have to keep getting bad news all the time, i want just one thing that would light up my day, even if its someone calling me and telling me they would like to hang out with me in my lonely world!

I'ld be ungrateful to omit the fact that despite all i am still thankful to God.

Jesus take the wheel!