I don't know but just quite recently, i have yet again been feeling a bit skeptical about so many things, may be, what if?, am not in the right direction...am just so confused right now, i seemto get a bit confused and feel like something will go wrong the next minute and i am drained and so sad!!!
i get this mixed emotion, like am happy this minute and sad the next, not quite sure what exactly i fear but am just confused.ok my thoughts:
feels like, everyday am worried that, i might upset God in a way and he would turn his back or keep a distance, the constant need to speak the truth at all times and not tell a lie without feeling guilty or i have to forgive this person despite the horrible things they have done to me just cos am meant to love my neighbour as myself.i mean i feel like God expects so much from us and i can't keep up with it..i pray for the grace everyday but it feels like i keep asking for forgiveness everyminute. and this discourages me...
hmm, at the beginning of this year, i was complaining about not having enough friends that i could count on, ok now its July and am like , they are just so many now and i have to keep them satisfied..eventhough you can't satisfy everyone at the same time, but thats the point i hate getting people upset, cos this guilt of not being at peace with someone keeps bugging me....am just not sure...ok are they real friends or just aquaintances, who knows?..when things are bad will they stick around?....i mean i feel like i spend more time pleasing my friends than actually pleasing me, is that a good thing......
what if he wakes up one morning, and he tells me he is sorry.......sorry about what?, sorry he can't be with me anymore?...what will happen...well nothing?, except that i will be very hurt..ok so is he the one?....am i really sure he is who he is and not living a double life.....u never know these things, i think i need to stop watching too many home movies..especially nigerian ones, cos now am getting scared!!!....
am i in the right part?...i hope am not doing this just because ma and pa wants me to do it...what if thats not what i want to do, do i even want to settle down in Nigeria self, do i even know what i stand to gain by moving back finally in February!!!...hmmmm...ok i think o, i think i want to be a chattered accountant but am just wandering why i can't think of anything else to do, maybe am just too lazy!!!!
why must i be prudent in my spending, why can't i afford to buy whatever it is i want?...why can't i go into my account everyday of my life and find money in there at all times and able to meet all my various needs?, why must there be a credit crunch?, why do i need to go through some hard times at some certain periods self....
Taken for granted
i feel like sometimes people take my kindness for a weakness, i feel like people just want and want and want and they never want to give back..i thought life was give and take...all the time, people want you to always be available whenever they need you, but they are so busy and uptight when you need them..why?....i think am going to have to learn to start saying no, regardless of what it might cost me!!!...although we are meant to do things for people not expecting back but why?????.........
so many people are dieing this year and it scares the living day light out of me, i really don't know what ild do, if i lose someone so dear to me, i don't even want to call names, cos the thought of it alone leaves me traumatised...Jesus take the wheel
Don't really know if i want to do this anymore?...i mean i have met wonderful people on here, but are they real?..or am i just deceived bymere words..do people actually add thier two kobo advice just because they want you to visit thier blog, or do they comment because they see your point and want to encourage you...i mean i don't know, i might be chatting gibberish but these are my thoughts....
i just wanna go home jo...countdown to 9ja has begone, i think i need a change of environment!!!!