Confused.com

I don't know but just quite recently, i have yet again been feeling a bit skeptical about so many things, may be, what if?, am not in the right direction...am just so confused right now, i seemto get a bit confused and feel like something will go wrong the next minute and i am drained and so sad!!!

i get this mixed emotion, like am happy this minute and sad the next, not quite sure what exactly i fear but am just confused.ok my thoughts:

Spirituality:
feels like, everyday am worried that, i might upset God in a way and he would turn his back or keep a distance, the constant need to speak the truth at all times and not tell a lie without feeling guilty or i have to forgive this person despite the horrible things they have done to me just cos am meant to love my neighbour as myself.i mean i feel like God expects so much from us and i can't keep up with it..i pray for the grace everyday but it feels like i keep asking for forgiveness everyminute. and this discourages me...

Friends.
hmm, at the beginning of this year, i was complaining about not having enough friends that i could count on, ok now its July and am like , they are just so many now and i have to keep them satisfied..eventhough you can't satisfy everyone at the same time, but thats the point i hate getting people upset, cos this guilt of not being at peace with someone keeps bugging me....am just not sure...ok are they real friends or just aquaintances, who knows?..when things are bad will they stick around?....i mean i feel like i spend more time pleasing my friends than actually pleasing me, is that a good thing......

Partner
what if he wakes up one morning, and he tells me he is sorry.......sorry about what?, sorry he can't be with me anymore?...what will happen...well nothing?, except that i will be very hurt..ok so is he the one?....am i really sure he is who he is and not living a double life.....u never know these things, i think i need to stop watching too many home movies..especially nigerian ones, cos now am getting scared!!!....

Career
am i in the right part?...i hope am not doing this just because ma and pa wants me to do it...what if thats not what i want to do, do i even want to settle down in Nigeria self, do i even know what i stand to gain by moving back finally in February!!!...hmmmm...ok i think o, i think i want to be a chattered accountant but am just wandering why i can't think of anything else to do, maybe am just too lazy!!!!

Finance:
why must i be prudent in my spending, why can't i afford to buy whatever it is i want?...why can't i go into my account everyday of my life and find money in there at all times and able to meet all my various needs?, why must there be a credit crunch?, why do i need to go through some hard times at some certain periods self....

Taken for granted
i feel like sometimes people take my kindness for a weakness, i feel like people just want and want and want and they never want to give back..i thought life was give and take...all the time, people want you to always be available whenever they need you, but they are so busy and uptight when you need them..why?....i think am going to have to learn to start saying no, regardless of what it might cost me!!!...although we are meant to do things for people not expecting back but why?????.........

Death
so many people are dieing this year and it scares the living day light out of me, i really don't know what ild do, if i lose someone so dear to me, i don't even want to call names, cos the thought of it alone leaves me traumatised...Jesus take the wheel

Blogging
Don't really know if i want to do this anymore?...i mean i have met wonderful people on here, but are they real?..or am i just deceived bymere words..do people actually add thier two kobo advice just because they want you to visit thier blog, or do they comment because they see your point and want to encourage you...i mean i don't know, i might be chatting gibberish but these are my thoughts....

i just wanna go home jo...countdown to 9ja has begone, i think i need a change of environment!!!!

Hello!!!!

Flash Back

I remember when i was younger and i felt so ugly both on the inside and on the outside, especially as i grew up, i was one of those kids that never wanted to mix, was always shy, i mean looking at my baby pictures now, i was so cute, like totally and everyone loved to carry me around, but as i grew older, hmm, i had to come to terms with what the people of the world termed beauty, dressing, hairstyle, everything, insecurities about how i was percieved began to grow strong and i lost the plot......... and then this time, i had to go to secondary school and my parents Thought it a good idea to cut my hair as it would help me focus on my studies and not chase boys..RUBISH..lol

i went to one of the posh high schools you can think of in Nigeria, when the girls made thier hair or packed thier hair beautifully for socials or whatever, i had to just watch, while i was dressed in 5mins, they probably took ages..i mean it was ridiculous to put make up on or big loop earrings, with the hideous really low cut my mum and dad made sure i had before i resumed school, gosh each time i looked in the mirror, i felt so bad that i found it totally hard to mix, sometimes i would have punk on, or whatever sha, and even when i thought i had cut some fabulous hair cut, i would get to school and realise i looked funny...."ahhh mum and dad thank you o". It had a big inpact on my personality as although people looked at me like a no nonscence girl, as in the boys just never dared to mess with me..lol..but my social life was zero!

I was quiet, never went for any of thier so called parties or thier miserable awards night that you already knew who would win...hiss!..lol...when the girls were ditched by the boys or beaten especially in ss3, i laughed so hard and i was glad i was not one of the social butterflies..lol...but sometimes i just wanted the attention i won't lie...i told my self so much i was ugly!


I started to get really conscious of things as i grew older, finally my parents allowed me to start making thread in ss1, omg, they never agreed that i at least put on some xtentions, they were very principled!!!!!!!...lol,.. did i have to make thread to go to school, lol, you need to see those pictures, buhahaha!...looked like a total freak...buhahahaha!....ok so i graduated left for college, and again went to another posh college, i was just so shy and it had a lot of effect on me, i had complex, was always conscious of things around me...and what blew it for me, was the day my very close friend came to tell me that night that some girls had said the first day i walked in to college that i was ugly..omg..i cried so much and it hurt me real bad..ok they have finally comfirmed my thoughts......, yes i told myself, indeed i was not it.....i mean the clothes i wore..lol, funny they were cute to me but not acceptable by my so called "peers "...now am like whatever i was growing up, is it my fault they started using make up or knowing grown up things at the age of 3?...pulease!!..lol

I laugh when i bump into my old school mates or people from back in the days and they are like...mehn Ajike you have changed, everyone is like have you seen Ajike now?.....lol...and i laugh so hard, or when i get one of these random emails from some of my friends or guys from back in the days and they are like, babes wow, wow, you have Grown!.....hmmm...you look great. or ok, those humans that said behind my back that i was ugly have now said to me..."oh oh, you are beautiful", buhahaha......hiss!........Although i still get embarrassed when people tell me i am eventhough i know i am!!! "yes kill yourself"..lol, and that's the reason for my VANITY, yes i am very vain..but these nice words make me shy because it took me so long to believe it..........

Especially, God tells me everymorning that i am beautifully and wonderfully made, can you beat that?...any of you blogsville down for a beauty contest?..lol...i hear its blogsville idol 2008 going on right now, maybe we should do blogsville beauty 2008..lol..i know i am beginning to sound a bit eeky...but you know what read my lips or better still read my lines......."Whatever"!!!!!!!!!!..lol
Have a fab weekend guys..and i hope you feel just as beautiful as i do!...muah!

This God sha!!

...mehn ohhh, exams are over and am i glad like gladdis, freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! like freeman......its been a journey, i thought i was going to breakdown at some point, but na lie, "iro ni wo pa"...i de like dele...lol...."don't know did you guys ever crack back in your secondary school, like those stupid dry rhymes...e.g....chest it like morris chestnut....or why are you farting is your name fatima..or see your big head, you be edward..or your big nose, you be nosa...and if you had a big eye they would call you irene....mehn serious jokes, i kinda miss high school...lol...anyways that aside!

Now my testimony......."bear with me, it is very long i know, but it's for God"

People the month May was a turbulent month for me, not just for me but my family as a whole, we went on a ride, only that this ride wasn't pleasurable, it was worse than going on indiana jones...imagine a prophesy came, not just from one source o, i mean from our pastor and another man according to my mum, they said pa was going to die one particular day, and when my mum told me, the thought alone made me cry, what would i do?, i started to point out and tell God the reasons why i didn't want my father to leave now...while pa decided to stay at home on the day he would have passed, everyone was fasting and praying, pastors came to pray, i mean it was either my dad or my brother according to the prophecy.....just that same day, was when my ma recieved a call from Canada about her son, and how he was in detention because he went to harrass some people for his friends to get back thier money and in the process, someone called the police and claimed they were thieves who came to buggle...imagine

Mumsi was mad, remember my post about Emotional Bag now?...mehn that woman is strong.....I pray i turn out to be like her when i have my own family, she dey pray, me i dey pray o, but that woman dey pray...wetin?.....sometimes i just feel its because of her, some good things happen to me!...anyways we were all so worried at this point, what was going on, very weird things were happening,pa was also getting threat calls and all sorts..but we were stong for each other and just believed that things would be fine, especially when you have God, what more can you ask for...He is mysterious, if you dare to wonder how God works you would probably end up in the psychatric hospital.....so don't try!.....just believe

On thursday i went back home from school after studying like usual, and then i wanted to change my sim card to the contract sim, so i could make calls, i normally put the sim on top of my battery before i put on the cover, been meaning to get a new phone for it, but i just couldnt be bothered, especially because i had been really busy and i was expecting some money from home "yes o, i still depend on my parents,..lol, no vex".....anyhoo i realised it wasn't there, o my days i had misplaced it.....i had no credit on my order sim, no money, i mean my bank account was saying -£5, lol.....ok so i text my friend who set up the contract to block the sim since i couldn't find it...so she did
Ok now, woke up in the morning, was meant to go to school to study, but i did not, no money to go to school, money from home still had not cleared, but i was hopeful, cos mumsci had told me that it would by saturday......i noticed my phone had not been ringing,no calls since morning, not even form my colleagues or papi, or my friends sha, someone would have called, but the fone was silent which made me get worried....... i mean, its very weird, so i tried dialing out and i cudn't dial out as well...ahn ahn what is going on?...so now i couldn't recieve calls and i couldn't make calls, i was a bit uncomfortable about it, especially because i wasn't sure the money would clear which means i might not be able to go for my exams "the fear and thought of that alone, just made me shake"

I left my house o, went to off licence to beg for phone to call T.mobile and ask them why my phone was not recieving or making calls, which i would never do, but mehn i just had to...i called tmobile, no luck, they said i should wait till 9pm and this was just 6pm oh, so am supposed to wait here or come back to this place again to ask for fone abi..i just went home...it started to dawn on me the consequences and things that could go wrong, if my money didnt clear before monday when my exams would start, couldn't speak to anyone on the fone, the useless fone had just refused to work....... to maybe lend me till then, so i can go for these exams, at that point i knew i was stranded, i just started crying!

ok went home, i couldn't read anymore my mind was lost, i was just crying continuously, i was in a world away, i went to knock on my neighbours door to ask him for his phone to call customer service, i called and in the process finished his credit whilst waiting for my turn on the queue *i hate that phone service nonscence they call operations*...dude was like sorry there is really nothing more i can do in the weirdest of accent, although he was polite and very nice...another sorry again just made me cry more!...eeh am in big soup i thought..

so i got back into my house, and i wept throughout the night, i was so fraustrated, cos mehn this is serious yawa, so its because of money now that i won't be able to write exam, i started to pray, i was begging, rolling, am not joking o, talking to myself, asking God questions, the most painful thing is i couldn't speak to anyone..... but i just didnt want to fail these exams for a stupid reason..because of money..."ta lo fe gbo iyen"..who wants to hear that..if i dare to tell my father that, he would just give it to me hot, so u mean you don't have money..you don't save or what?

Sha, i was restless, didn't sleep at all thru out the night, it was saturday...i ran to cash point as soon as the day was bright..mehn money wasn't there o!...hey....more tears, am sure blood came out at some point..lol....i started getting desperate at that point, although i had tried contacting my friends on the internet at a cybercafe with the last coins on me.."no internet yet at home" but there was no way they could get back to me if they even wanted to help.....looked into my wallet, saw some miserable 5ps, went into the shop to change it and it was enough to speak to someone for a minute...so who would i be sure would pick up...who would always pick up thier fone..i just scrolled through my fone and i prayed to God to make that person pick up and not voicemail machine.....and he did....with tears in my eyes and my shaky voice,i asked him to call me back on the pay phone, and he did, he is my colleague at school who on no circumstances would i ask him for money, but i had to let my ego and pride because i was desperate...mehn!...chei?

he was like...i was lucky he was at a friend's place at that moment cos when he had tried to call me back, he realised he didn't have credit anymore, so he was using his friends land line to call back that payphone!....mehn....after so much lamentation, although i didnt ask him directly, he some how asked..so do you want me to help, and i was like yes please in a shameful voice, arrrrg, i hate asking people for money, am sure no none does though!.....he asked me to describe my house adress so he could come and give me some money to top up my oyster card, so i would be sure to go for the exams....and then he mentioned that on thursday after our group study, i had left my sim card and he took it home for me and he tried calling me but he cudnt get through..imagine....
i dropped, went home to wait, i was still panicing, what ifs, what if he didnt come, what if he can't find the place, would he really come?....i waited, 8am, 9am, 10am, 11am,12pm 1pm,..it felt like forever blogsville, i sat at my balcony looking into the streets, hoping i would see him stroll through..but no, 2pm, 3pm, 4pm, 5pm, more tears and tears, i had stopped reading since Friday,ahh, mehn it was not looking good at all!.....finally i see him from afar and i started to cry more..thank you Lord, thank you Lord, God you are faithful.......i hear the buzzer, i wish you were there the way i screamed silently in my heart as i got in the lift to open the main door, normally you could buzz the person in, but mehn i ran downstairs to open the door....

I used his phone to call tmobile..and i was told to try inserting my sim in another phone..i used his, and it was working...so it was the stupid fone that had reached its life cycle...hisss, he gave me my contract sim, so i called my friend to help me unblock it, since i had found it..as soon as she did imagine my useless fone started working...i think the problem was because i usually swap sims on the same fone, blocking the contract sim, also blocked the phone, preventing me from recieving calls or making calls using my normal sim card...i was speechless, imagine this whole dramma, he gave me some money sha to top up my oyster at least pending when Nigeria Bank money transfer clears ...hiss!...lol

God, at that point it felt like i had been released from prison, so many things could have gone wrong!..the money finally cleared on Tuesday..imagine..what would have happened if that call had gone to voicemail, even if i had left a message, how would he call me back to get my adress?....if he wanted to help, i mean i can't leave a message saying, bring the money to so so and so place...i would have been distabilized, i would have missed my exams for a stupid reason, maybe i would have finally thought about something that would mean chopping insult!......

God saw me through everything....my brother is fine and out, everything clean...he has been vindicated...Dad had lived many more days after that day, and still living......everything is well, my exams were fabulous, isn't it enough to thank God...so many other wonderful and surprising things are taking turn in my life and am thankful..."is it really me"...hmm, people make no mistake about it o, God is Real!...hold on to him..i mean we are not perfect but he would perfect us when we show that we need him!

my peoples how now?.....so exams are over now o, many more posts awaits publishing....p.s what is this new trend, people saying sorry they have to stop blogging...."ema je kin ba yiin ja o?..don't let me fight you o!..yes u, soups...lol.......cocco?...hmm..ok o..the rest of you better not try it..what would i feast on then!..lol....

p.s...word of advice if you don't have a phone line or internet in ure home..read my lips...get one!
..someone from "shomolu" lagos visited my blog...lol...i find that amusing..feedjit weldone!...and i and sabira went to the same high school....FREAKY!!!

your Ajike!

Make no mistake about it...God is Real!!!

The only supernatural being whose ways are a mystery..watch out 4 my testimony..........

Happy as Larry!..lol

Hello Blogsville..i am Ecstatic..u know when you are just so happy and you don't know why?..my exams are staring at me in the face!-am sure u guys are bored of this exams exams thing..."e ni binu ni o-u no go vex o!"...lol..like i can't wait mehn, so much cruise to catch, i mean so much to do, weddings, travellings, more posts to publish on blogsville...... i mean am off to naija in July, so much catching up with my friends...like seriously...God is awesome"!..my mums gone,*sob sob*....she's amazing!

hmm, this Feedjit thing is lovely..i love it, love it, love it..as in hmm, some one or people from a particular location have been consistent, they maybe the reason i started blogging in any case...lol" i can see you!!!!!......... and am loving it,as in am loving it..hmmmm!..interesting.lol, lol.....yes that's one of the purposes of this blog aside from the fact that its a therapy for me...it's for reading isn't it?..lol..mehn serious trips!

And this leaves me with the true fact that am happy i started blogging and met wonderful people like you..blogsville....u give me something to smile about......all of you, jarria, soupa soupa..lol, lg, s.chic, aloofar, charizard and butter!, sha, sabira, yankeebabe, oluwadee, tintin,platinum diva-only God knows where that one is!, believer,standtall,platnum diva, ms emotions,my sister azoomi"she's my sister for real, i aint playing", bllk wolf,tiffanycaselady,pink satin, nice anon-where is she?, shalewa. naija boy, chigrace,allied, free flowing florida, zena,minky, naijababe, cocoa brown, solo,lady A, aloted..and the one's am getting to know...keep your interesting posts rolling aight, i love reading them

i have met so many people,wonderful people these past few months, in church, school,randomly and am all over and not confined to a particular group, i am a free woman, free and blessed......lol....... i look back at my life a couple of months back, when i decided to start blogging, not that blogging performed the miracle, well to an extent but the change is tremendous,and i aint afraid no more.....the burden and pains have been lifted!!!....pheeeew

And now am thankful for the wonderful friends, family and people that God has blessed me with!, the true people, who take you just the way you are,not "fair weather" friends,not the one's you are unsure what thier purpose in your life is oooo, but true friends, amazing family, people that you know you can rely on, people that add value.....i am just as fabulous...wow June looks great already!!!!..i am indeed finding strength!

I am off to read jare..."ema ko ba mi"-don't put me in trouble!

laters!